Pain, Fear, and Addiction. . .

I live a very blessed life, I have amazing friends, a loving family, and a career that has offered me so much. For the most part, I’m very reserved, an introvert and I rarely share my personal thoughts on social media. But this is important enough for me that I share my story. . . if you have the time please listen. . .and if this story can help out just one friend or family member, I’ll be content.

First and foremost, I have been a career Marine and fast approaching almost 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. It’s weird even writing that down, I can still remember shipping off to recruit training, waving goodbye to friends and family. 20 years of service is a significant amount of time and different things to many people. For me. . .it’s been a decade as a “grunt,” that loving term we give to enlisted infantrymen, and almost another decade as a Marine Officer, privileged to lead some of the finest warriors and leaders this country has to offer.

My time in the Marine Corps has brought me all over the world. Duty stations coast to coast from California to the Carolinas, overseas assignments to Japan and the Asia Pacific region, and ultimately finding myself fighting in the deserts of Iraq and foothills of Afghanistan. Most of my friends in the Marines will agree, this time comes with its fair share of hardships, of love, loss, blood, sweat, and tears in foreign countries and on foreign soil. But the most important hardship, I feel is that of the sacrifices made, for me it has been the time spent away from your loved ones.

Not only am I a Marine, but I am a father as well; a title I hold as close to my heart as that of Marine. I’m a father to two incredible young men, Chance, who’s 17, and Jace now 15. One of my proudest accomplishments to date is being able to claim that title. Watching them grow up and find their way in this world fills me with pride and joy. Why is this all this important? Because these two things; a father and a Marine have been the center of my world for the last twenty years. Having an active lifestyle has always been an essential aspect of who I am as both father and Marine.

Physical fitness is a crucial aspect of what defines a Marine, and being physically active and outdoors has always been an important part of my life. This all changed for me eight years ago in 2011. I’ve sustained injuries in the past, nothing that I’ve never recovered from or haven’t been able to overcome or suck up. But this time was different. It’s either been a decade of hikes, training, and combat or lifting weights at the gym, but something popped in my back. It’s still vivid to me, I heard it, mostly a slight popping sound and some discomfort. Didn’t think anything of it, shrugged it off and finished my workout with some mild discomfort, and later that night popped a couple Motrin as is the norm in the Marines and went to bed.

I’ve never really known pain like I met that next day. Woke up zero dark thirty and jumped out of bed, immediately collapsed onto the floor with stabbing pains in my lower back, completely cramped left leg, and no feeling in my left foot. Any slight movement would cause visceral pain that radiated from my back to my leg, so I laid there on the floor and started crying. It took almost an hour for the pain to dissipate before I was able to crawl to the phone and call somebody to pick me up and take me to the hospital. Outcome, pulled muscle or pinched nerve. Here’s some Motrin and some muscle relaxants for when it gets bad, follow up with medical in the morning. I thought this was going to be easy, just like every other time; get some rest, take some meds, stretch it out, I’ll be back on my feet again in no time. Pain is weakness leaving the body right?

This was different. I found myself on a completely different road to recovery. It started with Motrin and Tylenol. Alternating doses to deal with the pain and then the occasional Flexeril. Then it changed to Flexeril every day on top of popping some Motrin and Tylenol to deal with the pain. Needed it just to get to work in the morning. The Doctors were great don’t get me wrong; we thought with some physical therapy and some meds we’d get better. This went on through a deployment and an additional duty station. I wish I knew better about taking care of myself and managing my health. But I was ignorant, arrogant almost about getting better, about sucking it up because I’m a Marine. It didn’t get better, it got progressively worse.

I found myself at the Doctor’s office again, I was able to get some physical training in, but not without pain meds by my side. Something had to change, we upped my medication to a narcotic. Started taking Tramadol, a narcotic for moderate to severe pain. This was great, I was getting exceptional pain relief with these meds and able to get back into the grind of working out with the Marines again. I was making progress. I mean I still didn’t have feeling in my foot but come on, I’m running again, training out in the field, going on hikes with the kids. I was on top of the world, but I wasn’t. Every time the medication wore off I was back at square one, revisiting the visceral pain in my lower back and leg. Something had to give. If you know me, I’ve got an addictive personality. I have to be careful with this stuff. I’m fortunate to have had some great medical providers. It’s just unfortunate that they change almost every two years. No consistency except for what’s in my medical record.

We have to do something different. Physical Therapy’s not working, I’m taking pain meds and muscle relaxants every day. It’s been two years. We have to do something. They got me an MRI. I can’t even pronounce it. Sacral Radiculopathy. . .one of my Doctors told me to just tell everyone it’s a herniated disc between my L5 - S1 vertebrae. Now that we knew what it was we can treat it, get better, and back to work and off the meds. Back to physical therapy I went, we changed the meds from Tramadol to Robaxin. We added pain management, started some acupuncture, I got steroid injections, started paying out of my own pocket to get some massage therapy. The last few years have been a roller coaster of pain and coming to the realization that my options were starting to wear out. My medical providers started telling me what I could and couldn’t do, or should and shouldn’t do; it was time I start making long term plans and some lifestyle changes.

I had a consult with a neurosurgeon. We had options, surgery to relieve the pressure on the nerves causing the problems. It would help deal with the symptoms but it wasn’t going to fix the problem. I was still taking the meds everyday just to get by. It was a 50/50 shot, surgery might not even fix or help with the symptoms. I’m at a loss, the pain has become a part of my life now. Chronic pain they call it, I understand and sympathize with people that suffer from it. With this pain came the addiction. The complete dependency on medicating myself to get through the day. I've made peace with it at this point. I’m still hopeful, I’m an optimistic person by nature. There has to be another option out there somewhere.

This leads me on a road to discovery and education. I start researching alternative medicines on my own, start yoga to help out with all the muscle tightness and stretching, start getting frequent massages to help with the muscle cramps and tightness all the time. My research into alternative medicines has enlightened me to the power of natural herbal supplements and remedies to help heal the body. Read and watched some fascinating studies with Wym Hof about the power of cold-water immersion and breathing exercises. I’m doing a lot more meditation to become more aware of my body. I’m making progress with all these things but I’m still in pain. I’m still taking my pills. I’ve started taking Gabapentin, it’s supposed to help with the nerves. It’s been so long dealing with this, I’m literally measuring my progress in months and years now.

Pain is a funny thing and the body is an incredibly resilient machine. I’m trying to stay lighthearted about it but I was the guy that was struggling to get his boots on in the morning to tie them on. Couldn’t do it without grimacing in pain. Here I am feeling like an old man, but you know what that pain makes you know. . . your still alive. I’ve been struggling these last few years to make it to retirement. I’m still a Marine and have to take my yearly physical fitness tests, still have to get out to the field, and lead from the front. I’m sure not getting the results I want or used to get but I’m still here. I knew there was something more I could be doing.

I’m skeptical by nature, I need to see things in order to believe them. Show me numbers, show me data, show me the science, but show me the results and I’m sold. I believe in mind over matter and the power of having a positive mental attitude. But even this was only taking me so far. Like I was telling you about earlier, my research into alternative medicines led me to herbal supplementation and bio-hacking. No need to get into that now, but I started supplementing my diet with lion’s mane and turmeric powder. I’m not a doctor or a scientist but each has proven to have regenerative and anti-inflammatory properties. Made some progress with both but not the expected results I wanted. I coupled these things with what I was already doing; the yoga, the stretching, the breathing exercises; I found myself healing and getting more active again which was great. But despite this all. . . the pain and the symptoms were still there, I was still taking the meds, and still on this emotional rollercoaster with where my life and health are going. I've experienced fear before, but the fear that came from thinking about my future scared the heck out of me.

I first heard about the little yellow pill several years ago. Bio-hacking seems like a new term but it’s really not. Healing the body from the inside out has been around for centuries. Helping your body at the cellular level by giving it the resources it needs to help with stress and inflammation. Like I said before, I’m skeptical by nature but chronic pain and having to change your lifestyle will make you look at things differently. Several months ago, and thanks to my friend Sarah for her support, I decided to give it a try and see where it would take me. I’ve been dealing with my injury and the chronic pain for over eight years now. For the first time in eight years I can say that I am getting healthier, feeling better, and have my eyes opened to the resiliency of the body. It’s only been four months, but I’ve dropped the pills (Motrin, Flexiril, Tramadol, Robaxin, Gabapentin) and changed them out with an all-natural product.

My life will have to change like the Doctor’s said. Never did I expect it to change the way it has for me these last four months. The symptoms and pain are still there, but I feel my body getting healthier every day. I’m more active, focusing on my recovery, and have a complete appreciation for what brought me here to this point. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg as there are a ton of other health associated benefits. I appreciate you taking the time to read and listen to this story. I said this story started with pain, addiction, and fear. But it ends with hope. Hope for the future, for reprieve from the suffering, and the chronic pain. Hope for what the next chapter brings. -Jay